Creative Anxiety: August 2013

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Finding Inner Peace

Hey everyone it's M!

So I realize it has been some time since both C and I have posted to the blog. There has been so much going on in both of our worlds that we have not had the time to sit down and update or even just have some fun with you guys! We truly hope that everyone out there has been having a wonderful summer and that you are letting yourself live in the moment and soaking up experiences!

C just recently got married and had the most beautiful wedding day/night ever! I am SO lucky to have had a chance to be there on her big day. She is certainly surrounded by so many wonderful people who love her, including myself. I know that everyday in her new journey is going to be a great one, not necessarily always easy, but SO worth it and amazing nonetheless.

Speaking of summer fun and love - I know that this summer, similar to last year has been one of discontent for me. I still can't seem to get myself back to feeling my normally vivacious and go getting self as I once was a couple years back. With that being said I am now realizing that part of that is because I expect myself to ALWAYS be the same, when that is clearly impossible. I think back to my years away at college and the first few back home and think...why can't I be more like THAT Megan?!? I felt alive, I went out, I drank beer, I danced, I planned all kinds of fun events with friends, I laughed, I night swam, I stayed up late, I felt connected....and the list goes on.

Why can't I live like and do all of those things now? I find myself worried and tattered on a daily basis, I feel lost when I am in a situation where I should be having a blast (i.e.out for a friend's birthday). I feel distant, spacey, and just not the same. I find myself dreading doing things I used to be excited for.

It is obvious that I am FAR to in my own head for my own good. I talk myself into thinking that my life is much worse than it actually is. I make mountains out of molehills and in turn ruin my experiences. As I have posted before I was going through a depression along with my anxiety. I don't think that I have fully recovered from that yet, and that mainly is my own doing. I am feeling better than I was before, no doubt about that. I learned that a deficiency in both vitamin D3 and B vitamins can lower your bodies energy and mood levels, which can lead to depression and other mental health problems. SO I have been supplementing myself with whole food based vitamins. I have a wonderful D3 and a great B Complex. I think that they are truly what brought me out of the severely low place I was. That being said, you may be thinking, okay then...why are you still reporting that you are feeling down and out. WELL, good question. The answer is the next step is reworking my thoughts! If we only could remember just how important our train of thought and negative thinking was, we would never let our mind get the best of us. So, even though I have made sad attempts to rewire myself, I have not been consistent enough. It will take months and extreme dedication to always be counterbalancing the negativity that goes on in my head. One bad, sad, negative thought can put you on the train to down and out town and your whole day is ruined. This week I have pledged to myself that I will constantly be aware of my internal dialogue. And that when any thought such as, "ugh, I'm too tired to deal with these kids at work," or "I look terrible today, why can't I just look nice for once," or even "I'm nervous about going to the party," come about I will take my baseball bat and hit them so far out into the stands that nobody will catch it. I will then run the bases, and slide into home plate - rejoicing in my new found positivity. At the first second of 'hearing' myself say something negative I will come back at it with the most positive thing I can possibly think of.

You see your thought process is a vicious cycle. A cycle that you don't want to let get loose. One negative thought can spiral you into multiple negative thoughts, which will then turn into you creating stories or reliving past experiences that are not necessary. This can then lead into heightened anxiety, panic attacks, and inevitably avoidance tactics, and sabotage. BUT on the contrary, stopping those bad thoughts in their tracks can have you climbing up the ladder to happiness, excitement, and moving on. LIVING IN THE MOMENT! Something I strive to work towards everyday. Because I truly feel like, besides a few moments of clarity here and there, I have been living in a damp, dusty place that is leaving me wanting more. More vibrant memories, more laughter, more excitement - more, more, more!

That being said, this week I challenge not only myself, but YOU to start or restart your thought process. Gain control over your mind and start to see yourself transform, not to your former "happy" self but to a new and improved, STRONGER version of yourself. The minute we realize that we're living in the past and decide to only work for a more positive self NOW, is the minute we will begin to understand ourselves and how powerful we really are!

Here's to taking care of ourselves instead of letting the world around us and IN us dictate how we live!

You are STRONG. You are AMAZING. You are WORTH IT!

peace & love - M

The girls who started it all...and their stories.

Well hello there! My name is Megan and here’s my little tale:

It’s safe to say that the person I am today is a far different one than I was many years ago. As many of you know, dealing with anxiety seems like an uphill battle some days, and I’ve felt like for most of my life I have been struggling to get to the top of that hill to safety. My anxiety started very young and mainly revolved around the constant fear of something medical going wrong with me. I was definitely a hypochondriac, and gave myself unnecessary amounts of anxiety over little to nothing at times. After passing out a few times due to seeing my own blood, both fainting and blood became huge triggers for me. This led me to avoid many situations, namely doctors’ offices, etc. My anxious symptoms were like that of fainting or having a heart attack and at any given time, I felt like my world was crashing and I was about to die.

…which brings me to my next chapter with the “beast”. By the way, I call anxiety the “beast” because it truly takes on its own entity at times. Anyhow, my next chapter is one of quite the lengthy time frame. It was all exacerbated when one day a tragedy hit close to home. My dad had got into a motorcycle accident and died instantly. This, as for anyone, sent my world spinning at the speed of light. It was then that my fear of death and dying amplified. I was constantly feeling sick, or like an 80 pound elephant was sitting on my chest. I didn’t know what I was feeling, nor did I really talk to anybody about it, which made it worse. Junior high, high school, and even my first few years at the junior college were plagued by constant worry; self esteem issues, horrible panic attacks, and so on. I somehow managed to make it through as normal as possible but I was hurting on the inside and most definitely not living a full life.

Once I went away to college my anxiety had stabilized. It was by no means gone, but for some reason it had subsided to a point of decent comfort. Those few years were as relaxed as they could be, and life seemed to be pretty good. It wasn’t until about a year ago that the “beast” began to really rear its ugly head again. This time it was back tenfold, however, and I was determined to find a happy place…one of comfort and happiness. And that my friends is where I’m at today, trying to find a true life of bliss. This last year has been a hard one, but through a lot of self discovery and branching out into new avenues, I am slowly piecing together what works best for me. So far I have found inner strength through trying new things such as yoga, supplements, and creative outlets such as photography, dance, and art. My hopes in build a community through Creative Anxiety is that I can reach out to others who strive to better themselves and others who deal with this unfortunate beast.

Hi there, I’m Chrissy!

My journey with anxiety has been a long one (or so it feels), dating back to when I was in high school. I had been struggling for a while in social settings and changes, but had chopped it up to being an average teenager. It was my first anxiety attack that painted a clearer picture as to what I had been dealing with. And so began the journey…

My first attack was something I will never forget and has created a foundation for where I stand today. My first attack also explains a lot of my history and was a breakthrough for me in getting the necessary help I needed at the time. It was triggered by a past traumatic experience. When I was fourteen I had been raped. The setting in which it took place was visually recreated which induced my first and most horrific panic/anxiety attack. This was a breakthrough in a lot of ways for me. I had not told anyone, spoken about it or personally revisited the memory for four years until that day. When my family was informed I gained the support I needed to start my battle against ANXIETY!

After learning what anxiety was, how it works and being fed drug after drug by doctor after doctor I was really getting nowhere. I was feeling zombie-esque on the medicine, having bad withdrawals and feeling sedated for the majority of the time. This is when I decided to take a different path.

See…my brain automatically links my anxiety now to being raped and the feelings that were felt in that situation. It is such a feeling of disgust and helplessness that motivate me to free myself. I have problems in social situations and trusting others with anything and everything. I have a fear of being attacked, which feeds my anxiety daily in everyday situations and the constant negative self-talk is something I have to keep battling.

I have really two choices (the way I see it)…I can either lay down and feel sorry for what was and what now is or I can fight like hell to live the BEST life I can possibly live. I’ve chosen to fight! I believe there is a fix for this thing we all call ANXIETY and I am determined to find it. Through trial and error, trial and success and a lot of support I believe it is something that is attainable. Holistic, drug free, all natural healthy ways to heal is what I’m all about. So let this new journey begin in sharing what I’ve learned with other who might have walked in my shoes or who choose to walk right alongside me. Let’s fight on!