Wednesday, October 23, 2013


Challenge take care of yourself!

So many times we get lost in the shuffle of life. We forget to stop. We forget that we are human beings that need to be nurtured and cared for. We forget that sometimes, all of the worrying and negativity we send out on top of all the other things we endure in life is...well...just breaking us down.

It's SO important to find a balance. Find inner peace. For all of us who suffer from anxiety, depression, bipolar, OCD, and so on...we don't understand what it means to have balance. Inner peace? a piece of my body missing? Am I getting an inner ear infection? Am I right...or am I right? We NEVER STOP! We make mountains out of molehills and create chaos in our minds and bodies. This is just about as unhealthy as smoking a pack of cigarettes. SO let's stop this cycle. Let's relinquish what strength we have (I know it feels like a few measly pebbles worth) and turn this all around!

First and foremost, you have to WANT to change. You have to WANT to feel better, have more energy, enjoy the things and people around you...

Decide NOW that you will take the journey to freedom. get out a piece of paper and pen, pencil, charcoal, dandelion, whatever and write three things that you want to achieve. Make them small. Nothing huge. Examples like: Go to bed by 10:30 every night this week. Work out once this week. Do one (whatever makes you happy) activity this month. See nothing too crazy, but all things that can slowly, especially if you make them habits, turn your mind and body into a much more habitable place for positive thoughts, for less achy necks, and more energy!

Now stick to the ideas that you wrote. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed with them either. If what you write down doesn't happen exactly as you foresee be it. That's where the cycle ends. Our regular negative minds will want to take a sledge hammer, smash those ideas, and then crawl into a hole and shame yourself. Well DON'T. Just move on. Simple. It is not the end of the world if your one achievement was to go to the gym twice this month and you only drove there, but were too nervous to go in. Ha - I think it counts for something that you even drove there! Pat yourself on the back, try again tomorrow, and done. DO NOT sit there and let these things fester.

You are ridiculously powerful. The anxious mind is one that will do anything to spill down a canvas of it's own demise. So get out your paint brush take that drip of paint, and turn it into a beautiful swirl of color right in front of your eyes. I guarantee there will be more swirls to come!

I have struggled with the vicious cycle of trying to set goals to better my mind and body and then miserably failing. But guess what, I am here to say that, even though it hasn't been an easy one, I am slowly doing the things I am set out to do. All things that will get my health to a much better spot. Is it always easy? No. Do I always achieve the exact outcome I set forth in doing? Hell no! But I sure as hell try, all while learning something about myself along the way.

You are STRONG. You are CAPABLE. You are TALENTED. You are LOVED. You are IMPORTANT

Tell yourself this every night before bed...the more you tell yourself these very wonderful and VERY true things...the more you will believe it. And not only will you believe will feel it!

Go ahead...take that leap of faith...for YOURSELF!

All my love and support - M

Monday, October 21, 2013

Broadening Your Minds Eye!

It's a new day! Be grateful!

Today I feel GRATEFUL. Something I think we often forget about. We say thank you and once in a while remember all of the good things in our life. But as a society, I think that we do a really bad job of staying connected and in the moment. In turn then, I think we forget to REALLY stop and smell the roses. There is nothing better than making yourself slyly smile as you think about a handful of things that you are truly grateful for. 

As I talked about before, I had been struggling to get my anxiety and depression to a good spot. I never felt connected and I always felt like I was on the 'outside' of the good times, just sitting there watching everyone else have the laughter and fun. Why is it so hard to just join in, let loose, and be free in the moment. Well like I mentioned in the last post it's because we (those who struggle with deeper mental struggles) tend to really, truly suck our own fun right out from underneath us. We do this by living in a vicious cycle of 'what if's". It's truly easy to sit there and think about all of the bad, especially if your brain is now more accustomed to that. 

You see, it is possible to gain control of your negative thoughts, your lifeless attempts at joining the fun, and in turn your hum-ho life that your just struggling through instead of actually enjoying.

This is my challenge I've begun with myself over the last few weeks:
I have simple started to integrate things into my life that I know for a fact make me happy. The things that if even for 4 minutes while engaged in them, I think of NOTHING. Nothing bad, nothing sad...truly nothing. I have started to see myself doing more photography, rearranging items in my house and sprucing it up with simple little treasures, and planning small little get togethers with friends or family (and making myself excited about it!) You see these are things that leave me with a feeling of euphoria after they are completed. I lost interest in doing those, along with so many others due to my state of mind and constant dread of basically all things in life. I am now slowly but surely finding myself getting 'lost' in these little pleasures in life once again and then either journal or think about each things I'm grateful for every evening.

SO now it's your turn...
Do you feel a bit more relaxed will cutting the grass? Do you like to sit in a quiet room and paint? How about cooking...does that make you feel good and accomplished? Whether it be a simple thing around the house or you decide to pick up a new hobby like remote control cars, yoga, or knitting - I challenge you to start putting these things back into your weeks. Find a time slot to keep for 'yourself' and just do it. You may feel reluctant, uneasy, or like you don't have time for something so trivial. But I guarantee if you start soul searching and finding something that makes you feel 'lost' even just for a bit, you will see yourself finding joy in life again.

Once you do this, begin to journal how it makes you feel, remember you're not going to feel like a brand new person by tomorrow takes WORK! But journal (another way to get it all out of your head), show your gratitude, and see how you can bring light back into your life!

Please post here about your journey, your chosen 'enlightenments,' your life...
If you have questions or comments or want more advice...ASK! I'm here. :)

I hope this post leaves you all on a path of happiness and that you truly try your darndest at it...because I am seeing such great progress with myself, so I know you can find peace too! 

☮- M

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Finding Inner Peace

Hey everyone it's M!

So I realize it has been some time since both C and I have posted to the blog. There has been so much going on in both of our worlds that we have not had the time to sit down and update or even just have some fun with you guys! We truly hope that everyone out there has been having a wonderful summer and that you are letting yourself live in the moment and soaking up experiences!

C just recently got married and had the most beautiful wedding day/night ever! I am SO lucky to have had a chance to be there on her big day. She is certainly surrounded by so many wonderful people who love her, including myself. I know that everyday in her new journey is going to be a great one, not necessarily always easy, but SO worth it and amazing nonetheless.

Speaking of summer fun and love - I know that this summer, similar to last year has been one of discontent for me. I still can't seem to get myself back to feeling my normally vivacious and go getting self as I once was a couple years back. With that being said I am now realizing that part of that is because I expect myself to ALWAYS be the same, when that is clearly impossible. I think back to my years away at college and the first few back home and think...why can't I be more like THAT Megan?!? I felt alive, I went out, I drank beer, I danced, I planned all kinds of fun events with friends, I laughed, I night swam, I stayed up late, I felt connected....and the list goes on.

Why can't I live like and do all of those things now? I find myself worried and tattered on a daily basis, I feel lost when I am in a situation where I should be having a blast (i.e.out for a friend's birthday). I feel distant, spacey, and just not the same. I find myself dreading doing things I used to be excited for.

It is obvious that I am FAR to in my own head for my own good. I talk myself into thinking that my life is much worse than it actually is. I make mountains out of molehills and in turn ruin my experiences. As I have posted before I was going through a depression along with my anxiety. I don't think that I have fully recovered from that yet, and that mainly is my own doing. I am feeling better than I was before, no doubt about that. I learned that a deficiency in both vitamin D3 and B vitamins can lower your bodies energy and mood levels, which can lead to depression and other mental health problems. SO I have been supplementing myself with whole food based vitamins. I have a wonderful D3 and a great B Complex. I think that they are truly what brought me out of the severely low place I was. That being said, you may be thinking, okay then...why are you still reporting that you are feeling down and out. WELL, good question. The answer is the next step is reworking my thoughts! If we only could remember just how important our train of thought and negative thinking was, we would never let our mind get the best of us. So, even though I have made sad attempts to rewire myself, I have not been consistent enough. It will take months and extreme dedication to always be counterbalancing the negativity that goes on in my head. One bad, sad, negative thought can put you on the train to down and out town and your whole day is ruined. This week I have pledged to myself that I will constantly be aware of my internal dialogue. And that when any thought such as, "ugh, I'm too tired to deal with these kids at work," or "I look terrible today, why can't I just look nice for once," or even "I'm nervous about going to the party," come about I will take my baseball bat and hit them so far out into the stands that nobody will catch it. I will then run the bases, and slide into home plate - rejoicing in my new found positivity. At the first second of 'hearing' myself say something negative I will come back at it with the most positive thing I can possibly think of. 

You see your thought process is a vicious cycle. A cycle that you don't want to let get loose. One negative thought can spiral you into multiple negative thoughts, which will then turn into you creating stories or reliving past experiences that are not necessary. This can then lead into heightened anxiety, panic attacks, and inevitably avoidance tactics, and sabotage. BUT on the contrary, stopping those bad thoughts in their tracks can have you climbing up the ladder to happiness, excitement, and moving on. LIVING IN THE MOMENT! Something I strive to work towards everyday. Because I truly feel like, besides a few moments of clarity here and there, I have been living in a damp, dusty place that is leaving me wanting more. More vibrant memories, more laughter, more excitement - more, more, more! 

That being said, this week I challenge not only myself, but YOU to start or restart your thought process. Gain control over your mind and start to see yourself transform, not to your former "happy" self but to a new and improved, STRONGER version of yourself. The minute we realize that we're living in the past and decide to only work for a more positive self NOW, is the minute we will begin to understand ourselves and how powerful we really are!

 Here's to taking care of ourselves instead of letting the world around us and IN us dictate how we live!

You are STRONG. You are AMAZING. You are WORTH IT!

 peace & love - M

Thursday, November 29, 2012


SO, I am here…BACK and ready to check in!

Similar to M, I have been not feeling myself and this past weekend it all came boiling over.

Last week I had posted that I was struggling, confused and having “doubts”. This was MY WAY of reaching out, crying out and SCREAMING HELP! I was even afraid to admit what I was doubting. I was vague and bland with what I was feeling, which is exactly what had gotten me into such an awful position. I have NEVER been as low as I was this past Friday and really saw no way out…but I am here NOW! I made it and learned from my mistakes.

To be 100% honest with you, I was doubting my plans to get married. Who wants to marry a crazy person like me? How am I supposed to have children with ANXIETY? And these thoughts bounced around my head (normal tactic my anxiety uses to pull me back down), but since this is SUCH a new experience for me I made my first mistake and actually listened to these awful thoughts! I thought it was normal to think this way perhaps and had no clue that it was just my anxiety. So I listened and listened and listened…then started to believe. Then I made my NEXT BIG MISTAKE (THE BIGGEST MISTAKE)…I didn’t speak a word of this to ANYONE!


How was I supposed to bring this up to my fiancé? Who else would I bring this up to? Who can I ask if this is normal? My mom? NOPE…she would judge me or tell the rest of the family and then THEY would judge me. My dad? NO…he would tell me NOT to get married and to move home. My best friend? NOPE…She will judge me and then questions standing up in the wedding if I decide to get married……(CRAZY)!

These thoughts continued and I believed and I convinced myself I was never deserving of anyone as amazing as my fiancé, I was never going to be able to handle it, something was bound to happen to ruin everything and that I was unlovable, unworthy and would never be ANYONE’S special someone. I believed that I was alone 100% and was destined to be the rest of my life. This went on for three weeks and I spiraled as if I were sliding around a funnel; just waiting to DROP, fall…GIVE UP!

I pushed people away, secluded myself and did not say a word. The other mistake I made was that I stopped all “maintenance” on my anxiety. I was convinced it was gone and I had a control on it. I felt 100% fine and wasn’t experiencing my normal triggers. Truthfully, I was sick and I got lazy! My excuse was “I’m sick” to just about everything. Yoga? Nope, I’m sick. Paint? No, sick. Healthy food? Nah, too sick to cook.

So…along the silent road I was on all hell exploded last Friday! Where was I? BED. I was lying there listening to these awful negative things running through my head torturing myself and sinking to the deepest spot I have ever been in. I had let these thoughts run further into attacking my life and the want and need to continue on.

I was done.

Yes, my head was there. I was completely emptied and vacant of all emotion, all comprehension of right and wrong, all will to move forward and I was DONE. And yes, I attempted because I believed. I attempted to leave my problems, life, loved ones, fiancé, family and everything else. I was angry and done.

In the midst of chaos I broke down, reached out to my fiancé and admitted what I was doing. An inch of mindfulness was thrown in my face…

[Once in my life, years ago, my therapist had given me an outlet of how to get the severe anxiousness and anger OUT. The advice: “throw eggs into the bath tub, break terracotta in a pillowcase in a safe environment…” (that’s all I really remembered).]

So, remembering that advice (the only thought fluttering through my head at the moment) I raced to the kitchen and took out plates and bowls. CRASH, BOOM, BAM, SHATTER, CRASH…!


So, after “getting those evil thoughts out” (and making a mess) it was almost as if I was woken up just enough to realize what I was doing WAS WRONG! I picked myself up with the little energy I had, went back to bed and passed out.

I woke up the next morning still empty. I hurt all over. I was embarrassed!

I told the people closest to me. I came clean. I let it pour out. Slowly my heart was back to beating again. I was reminded how much I was loved and how stupid I had been. Yes, STUPID! I came clean about the thoughts that had started the entire mess and NO ONE, not even my fiancé, thought that I was crazy. They loved me anyways, supported me anyways and promised to help me through any other questions and doubts that might flutter into my head in the future. How ungrateful am I? UGH!

It is funny because they all knew that it was my anxiety, not ME! ME would not ever think of doing such a thing. NEVER!


It is taking A LOT to get this posted and OUT…it brings me to tears to think of what I would have lost. BUT I cannot think of the “what if” and stay in the past because it doesn’t exist any longer. I AM HERE NOW and I need to keep that in front of me and centered.

SO, yes…the person who is trying to take on the world of anxiety was defeated, but I have prevailed. I am still getting back on my feet (with some help of course) one day at a time.

The Happy Light is on every morning, which is my first step. I am cooking again, which is my anxiety-free time and keeps me healthy (my second step). This is where I am now. I have support and it is present everyday. I am UNBELIEVABLY GRATEFUL for my loved ones and for my support and for my LIFE!

I am back on this destination to end anxiety so please have patience with me as I get back on the right path. I promise I will help in due time!

DO NOT make my mistakes. Learn from my mistakes and PLEASE reach out if you EVER have anxiety taking control of you. If you have ANY negative thought please share with SOMEONE, reach out, TELL ME EVEN, but do NOT go at it alone. I’ve told my story in hopes to reach someone, help someone or just educate.

Anxiety is only as powerful as we allow it to be!

…TRUST ME because I know! I have learned, I have grown and I will recover.

Love. Family. Fiancé. Friends. BE GRATEFUL. Always.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Scared, but hopeful!

As I sit here typing, my brain is in a whirlwind of its own demise. I can barely think straight, but yet I want to say so much. I've been grappling with a lot of things in life lately. Many are situational and have lent to the bad place that I am in. Others are internal struggles that continue to keep me in this horrific place. All that being said, I have been in denial about a huge chunk of what is going on with me....and that is DEPRESSION!

I am so open, and free about the in's and out's of my anxiety on a regular basis to many people in my life. I don't go around shouting it to the rooftops but I certainly can confide about it when needed. That being said I have been beraged with a plethora of things in life that have taken my level of anxiety and shot it through the roof. I can NOT for a second keep my mind in a good place. I am ALWAYS in a tangle of bad thoughts and wonders of how I am going to get to a better spot financially, or feel better with some medical things going on, etc, etc, etc,etc...yeahhh that much.

SO long story short month after month of changes (I don't do good with it AT ALL), lowered self esteem, negative people and situations on a daily basis, and my scary, scary mind to name a I stand.

I stand here ready to announce that I am more than likely, very much so, DEPRESSED! I have not been clinically diagnosed, but I have all of the warning signs. I have thought it too myself a few times over the past few months, but figured it would pass. It would dissipate as time went on. Yeahhh. No!

I have dug myself such a deep hole in my head that I can barely see the light from the top. I have so many great things going on in my life, albeit, stressful trying to balance them, and God forbid ENJOY them! How does one deal with all of this happy, sad, angry, mad stuff anyways??!

I try so hard to get back on top and with every attempt I just add to the mess. I simply don't know how to figure it out the proper way. When you look at a list of the symptoms for depression and just short of number 12 being "Your name is Megan, you're 27, and you live in the hell of your own brain," I checked ALL of them off! Just as I suspected. I'm not one for internet diagnosing, but its safe to say that doctor .com is probably on top of her game today.

So what do you think I'm feeling right now? You're right......NOTHING!

I have no stinkin' clue what I'm thinking. I'm numb (as I have been for a good percentage of time lately), I'm scared, and by golly, I'm exhausted of thinking what I might have to do to get back to the real me. I'm already exhausted, yet can't sleep for shit (you got it - insomnia) as it am I suppose to fight this extra battle?

Well, as I see it, that's where YOU come in. I have now just told anyone and everyone who comes across this page. Then you know what? As soon as my boyfriend comes back upstairs, I'm going to sit him down right next to me, turn my computer towards him, and point. He will then read this and look at my scribble in my journal and realize that this is a real problem. I have eluded to the fact that I was grappling with SOME of this before, but not to the caliber that I'm pretty sure he's unaware it is.

Then and only then, will I have the guts to start getting the help I need. I know in my last post I had mentioned making some lifestyle changes. And you can bet your bottom dollar I didn't forget about that....well with the way my short term memory has been lately (another lovely symptom of this beast) I very well could of....but I didn't!

I will still keep the changes short, since I now finally came to my senses and got out of the denial stage and rambled for an hour about my "dark hole." But as of now I PLEDGE first and foremost to myself, but then to my family, friends, and YOU all who deserve a much happier, healither, face the facts kind of girl! :)

I bought a bag of oranges today and sat them on my desk, this is my first attempt, and by attempt I mean success at changing my diet. This way I will make sure I have an orange every morning since I have had NOTHING but junk, upon junk, upon junk the last 4 months, and my body can't take it ANYMORE! Small steps to a greater me. 

Next, by this weekend I will be joining a very cheap gym. Where I can sweat it out, and get in what my body needs....good ole' fashioned exercise. Because there is a STRONG link to both anxiety and depression and exercise. I've known this, and I used to exercise a lot, but that doesn't mean I've listened or done it it the past 6 months! I've made sorry attempts at doing a day here and there...well yeah that doesn't count. I will now make it a part of my weekly exsistence and it will be persistent - at least 3 times a week! 

Those are my first two small steps to really start making some changes. I will also be revamping and sleep training myself, along with making some schedule changes. There will be more, many more changes to come as well (many holistic and natural)...these are just a few of the most simple ways that I am starting with that won't overwhelm me any more than I am!

SO please remember that this is REAL, this is ME, and this is ME reaching out to you not only to help myself. But to help YOU! Please, please, please feel free reach out to me and share your stories and we can do this together. The reason we started this blog was not to be the answer to ALL but to be the backbone to this community that we want to build.

Here's to a happier, healither me. A comforted and helped you. And a new and enlightened us...

                                                               ......let the journey begin!!

Peace, Love, and Health - M

Monday, November 26, 2012

Checking in my CHAOS

My, my, feels as though its been a while. And you're has been! I have been SO FREAKING BUSY lately, I'm seriously lucky I know my own name with the amount of both external and internal chaos happening to me. My mind is cluttered, my body achy, and my eyes heavy....all great ways to let anxiety creep in. And let me tell you, I have most definitely been dealing with quite of bit of 'the beast.' That being said, this is short and sweet tonight, but to get myself in a better spot both mentally and physically, I am going to be making a few tweeks in my daily life over the next few weeks. Some are dietary. A couple are exercise related. And others are revamping a few things in my life that could use a change for the better! I will sit down and delve into some more of this thought process and hopes to come later this week.....but for now, my fellow strong souls...please remember we are in this together! So try and give yourself 3 minutes after you read this to meditate on where you stand in your battle with 'the beast.' Do some deep breathing while doing this, and at the end tell yourself these three things:
1. I am strong. 
2. I am worth it! 
...and Lastly...I am an amazing individual with plenty to offer this sometimes crazy, silly world.

When you feel so tightly wound, and you don' t think you can go on, just laugh! 
Even this dog can find a minute to share a smile. :)

Love and such - M

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Just how it is...sometimes!

So...yes. I have something to say and something to get out and express to others that know and have a direct relationship with anxiety. I've had such a great handle on my anxiety and it hasn't snuck up in a while. The normal flutter and nervous feeling has been gone for a good time now and I've felt great. It's funny how it finds ways to creep back in......without you even realizing what is happening. I find ways and reasons as to why I feel a certain ways....."it's bc I'm tired", "it's probably bc I watched that one show and now I can't stop thinking/obsessing about that one thing", "it's bc of someone else, it's all their fault, fuck them", "maybe it's bc I ate this or that, didn't go to yoga AND I had a bad day at work"...........................really?


It's my freaking anxiety! It's back, trying to snake it's way in and pretend it's something else. What a tricky little ass hole, this thing called anxiety. It makes me doubt every little thing I do, think, say and feel. With something I've been 150% confident about I now have 5% confidence in. And to be very honest with SUCKS! It hurts to not KNOW how you REALLY FEEL. It shakes my foundation, pulls the rug out from under me, kicks me while I'm down and hangs me upside down by my toes!

I've tried, consciously, to fix this and progress has been made ten fold. It's sinking feelings like this which kind of make me feel like I'm drowning. I question, question, question, question....and then question those questions! ANNOYING! Who is there to talk to if I am the support to so many others? Are these feelings and doubts I'm having legitimate and real or just my evil ego/anxiety trying to drowned me? Should I even talk about these shity feelings or should I wait until this wave of anxiety is over and reassess what is happening? Should I call my mom? No. Talk to my friend _____ ? No. Then WHO?!?! It will pass, right? This feeling and these thoughts will subside!

So this is where is sit. Jumbled in my own freaking head, torturing myself and spinning a long root of anxiety deep inside me. And yes, it makes me mad! It makes me feel defeated and eliminates everyone, including myself, from being trusted. GAH!!! Shity shity shity shity!

And as I'm writing this I'm thinking "it's probably bc your sick" and then the story comes along again as to why I feel the need to write this and unroll all of this.

So as I lay in bed and ponder.......this is where my faith comes into play. Some deep breathing and calm will help level me out. Right? Yes! I have to instantly think of all I have accomplished with my anxiety and how far I've come in defeating it. I caught it in its sneaky little tracks. It might take some time, but with some positive affirmations and constant reminders of how far I've come will help. I hope it does and I pray I can climb out of this once again.

I will be working hard in the next weeks and will check back to update my progress.

Must remember a purpose.