I am HERE...NOW...GRATEFUL!

SO, I am here…BACK and ready to check in!

Similar to M, I have been not feeling myself and this past weekend it all came boiling over.

Last week I had posted that I was struggling, confused and having “doubts”. This was MY WAY of reaching out, crying out and SCREAMING HELP! I was even afraid to admit what I was doubting. I was vague and bland with what I was feeling, which is exactly what had gotten me into such an awful position. I have NEVER been as low as I was this past Friday and really saw no way out…but I am here NOW! I made it and learned from my mistakes.

To be 100% honest with you, I was doubting my plans to get married. Who wants to marry a crazy person like me? How am I supposed to have children with ANXIETY? And these thoughts bounced around my head (normal tactic my anxiety uses to pull me back down), but since this is SUCH a new experience for me I made my first mistake and actually listened to these awful thoughts! I thought it was normal to think this way perhaps and had no clue that it was just my anxiety. So I listened and listened and listened…then started to believe. Then I made my NEXT BIG MISTAKE (THE BIGGEST MISTAKE)…I didn’t speak a word of this to ANYONE!

SILENCE…torture…MORE SILENCE!

How was I supposed to bring this up to my fiancé? Who else would I bring this up to? Who can I ask if this is normal? My mom? NOPE…she would judge me or tell the rest of the family and then THEY would judge me. My dad? NO…he would tell me NOT to get married and to move home. My best friend? NOPE…She will judge me and then questions standing up in the wedding if I decide to get married……(CRAZY)!

These thoughts continued and I believed and I convinced myself I was never deserving of anyone as amazing as my fiancé, I was never going to be able to handle it, something was bound to happen to ruin everything and that I was unlovable, unworthy and would never be ANYONE’S special someone. I believed that I was alone 100% and was destined to be the rest of my life. This went on for three weeks and I spiraled as if I were sliding around a funnel; just waiting to DROP, fall…GIVE UP!

I pushed people away, secluded myself and did not say a word. The other mistake I made was that I stopped all “maintenance” on my anxiety. I was convinced it was gone and I had a control on it. I felt 100% fine and wasn’t experiencing my normal triggers. Truthfully, I was sick and I got lazy! My excuse was “I’m sick” to just about everything. Yoga? Nope, I’m sick. Paint? No, sick. Healthy food? Nah, too sick to cook.

So…along the silent road I was on all hell exploded last Friday! Where was I? BED. I was lying there listening to these awful negative things running through my head torturing myself and sinking to the deepest spot I have ever been in. I had let these thoughts run further into attacking my life and the want and need to continue on.

I was done.

Yes, my head was there. I was completely emptied and vacant of all emotion, all comprehension of right and wrong, all will to move forward and I was DONE. And yes, I attempted because I believed. I attempted to leave my problems, life, loved ones, fiancé, family and everything else. I was angry and done.

In the midst of chaos I broke down, reached out to my fiancé and admitted what I was doing. An inch of mindfulness was thrown in my face…

[Once in my life, years ago, my therapist had given me an outlet of how to get the severe anxiousness and anger OUT. The advice: “throw eggs into the bath tub, break terracotta in a pillowcase in a safe environment…” (that’s all I really remembered).]

So, remembering that advice (the only thought fluttering through my head at the moment) I raced to the kitchen and took out plates and bowls. CRASH, BOOM, BAM, SHATTER, CRASH…!

LIFE SAVING!

So, after “getting those evil thoughts out” (and making a mess) it was almost as if I was woken up just enough to realize what I was doing WAS WRONG! I picked myself up with the little energy I had, went back to bed and passed out.

I woke up the next morning still empty. I hurt all over. I was embarrassed!

I told the people closest to me. I came clean. I let it pour out. Slowly my heart was back to beating again. I was reminded how much I was loved and how stupid I had been. Yes, STUPID! I came clean about the thoughts that had started the entire mess and NO ONE, not even my fiancé, thought that I was crazy. They loved me anyways, supported me anyways and promised to help me through any other questions and doubts that might flutter into my head in the future. How ungrateful am I? UGH!

It is funny because they all knew that it was my anxiety, not ME! ME would not ever think of doing such a thing. NEVER!

UGH!

It is taking A LOT to get this posted and OUT…it brings me to tears to think of what I would have lost. BUT I cannot think of the “what if” and stay in the past because it doesn’t exist any longer. I AM HERE NOW and I need to keep that in front of me and centered.

SO, yes…the person who is trying to take on the world of anxiety was defeated, but I have prevailed. I am still getting back on my feet (with some help of course) one day at a time.

The Happy Light is on every morning, which is my first step. I am cooking again, which is my anxiety-free time and keeps me healthy (my second step). This is where I am now. I have support and it is present everyday. I am UNBELIEVABLY GRATEFUL for my loved ones and for my support and for my LIFE!

I am back on this destination to end anxiety so please have patience with me as I get back on the right path. I promise I will help in due time!

DO NOT make my mistakes. Learn from my mistakes and PLEASE reach out if you EVER have anxiety taking control of you. If you have ANY negative thought please share with SOMEONE, reach out, TELL ME EVEN, but do NOT go at it alone. I’ve told my story in hopes to reach someone, help someone or just educate.

Anxiety is only as powerful as we allow it to be!

…TRUST ME because I know! I have learned, I have grown and I will recover.

Love. Family. Fiancé. Friends. BE GRATEFUL. Always.

C

Scared, but hopeful!

As I sit here typing, my brain is in a whirlwind of its own demise. I can barely think straight, but yet I want to say so much. I've been grappling with a lot of things in life lately. Many are situational and have lent to the bad place that I am in. Others are internal struggles that continue to keep me in this horrific place. All that being said, I have been in denial about a huge chunk of what is going on with me....and that is DEPRESSION!

I am so open, and free about the in's and out's of my anxiety on a regular basis to many people in my life. I don't go around shouting it to the rooftops but I certainly can confide about it when needed. That being said I have been beraged with a plethora of things in life that have taken my level of anxiety and shot it through the roof. I can NOT for a second keep my mind in a good place. I am ALWAYS in a tangle of bad thoughts and wonders of how I am going to get to a better spot financially, or feel better with some medical things going on, etc, etc, etc,etc...yeahhh that much.

SO long story short month after month of changes (I don't do good with it AT ALL), lowered self esteem, negative people and situations on a daily basis, and my scary, scary mind to name a few....here I stand.

I stand here ready to announce that I am more than likely, very much so, DEPRESSED! I have not been clinically diagnosed, but I have all of the warning signs. I have thought it too myself a few times over the past few months, but figured it would pass. It would dissipate as time went on. Yeahhh. No!

I have dug myself such a deep hole in my head that I can barely see the light from the top. I have so many great things going on in my life, albeit, stressful trying to balance them, and God forbid ENJOY them! How does one deal with all of this happy, sad, angry, mad stuff anyways??!

I try so hard to get back on top and with every attempt I just add to the mess. I simply don't know how to figure it out the proper way. When you look at a list of the symptoms for depression and just short of number 12 being "Your name is Megan, you're 27, and you live in the hell of your own brain," I checked ALL of them off! Just as I suspected. I'm not one for internet diagnosing, but its safe to say that doctor .com is probably on top of her game today.

So what do you think I'm feeling right now? You're right......NOTHING!

I have no stinkin' clue what I'm thinking. I'm numb (as I have been for a good percentage of time lately), I'm scared, and by golly, I'm exhausted of thinking what I might have to do to get back to the real me. I'm already exhausted, yet can't sleep for shit (you got it - insomnia) as it is....how am I suppose to fight this extra battle?

Well, as I see it, that's where YOU come in. I have now just told anyone and everyone who comes across this page. Then you know what? As soon as my boyfriend comes back upstairs, I'm going to sit him down right next to me, turn my computer towards him, and point. He will then read this and look at my scribble in my journal and realize that this is a real problem. I have eluded to the fact that I was grappling with SOME of this before, but not to the caliber that I'm pretty sure he's unaware it is.

Then and only then, will I have the guts to start getting the help I need. I know in my last post I had mentioned making some lifestyle changes. And you can bet your bottom dollar I didn't forget about that....well with the way my short term memory has been lately (another lovely symptom of this beast) I very well could of....but I didn't!

I will still keep the changes short, since I now finally came to my senses and got out of the denial stage and rambled for an hour about my "dark hole." But as of now I PLEDGE first and foremost to myself, but then to my family, friends, and YOU all who deserve a much happier, healither, face the facts kind of girl! :)

I bought a bag of oranges today and sat them on my desk, this is my first attempt, and by attempt I mean success at changing my diet. This way I will make sure I have an orange every morning since I have had NOTHING but junk, upon junk, upon junk the last 4 months, and my body can't take it ANYMORE! Small steps to a greater me. 

Next, by this weekend I will be joining a very cheap gym. Where I can sweat it out, and get in what my body needs....good ole' fashioned exercise. Because there is a STRONG link to both anxiety and depression and exercise. I've known this, and I used to exercise a lot, but that doesn't mean I've listened or done it it the past 6 months! I've made sorry attempts at doing a day here and there...well yeah that doesn't count. I will now make it a part of my weekly exsistence and it will be persistent - at least 3 times a week! 

Those are my first two small steps to really start making some changes. I will also be revamping and sleep training myself, along with making some schedule changes. There will be more, many more changes to come as well (many holistic and natural)...these are just a few of the most simple ways that I am starting with that won't overwhelm me any more than I am!

SO please remember that this is REAL, this is ME, and this is ME reaching out to you not only to help myself. But to help YOU! Please, please, please feel free reach out to me and share your stories and we can do this together. The reason we started this blog was not to be the answer to ALL but to be the backbone to this community that we want to build.

Here's to a happier, healither me. A comforted and helped you. And a new and enlightened us...

                                                               ......let the journey begin!!

Peace, Love, and Health - M

Checking in my CHAOS

My, my, my...it feels as though its been a while. And you're right...it has been! I have been SO FREAKING BUSY lately, I'm seriously lucky I know my own name with the amount of both external and internal chaos happening to me. My mind is cluttered, my body achy, and my eyes heavy....all great ways to let anxiety creep in. And let me tell you, I have most definitely been dealing with quite of bit of 'the beast.' That being said, this is short and sweet tonight, but to get myself in a better spot both mentally and physically, I am going to be making a few tweeks in my daily life over the next few weeks. Some are dietary. A couple are exercise related. And others are revamping a few things in my life that could use a change for the better! I will sit down and delve into some more of this thought process and hopes to come later this week.....but for now, my fellow strong souls...please remember we are in this together! So try and give yourself 3 minutes after you read this to meditate on where you stand in your battle with 'the beast.' Do some deep breathing while doing this, and at the end tell yourself these three things:
1. I am strong. 
2. I am worth it! 
...and Lastly...I am an amazing individual with plenty to offer this sometimes crazy, silly world.

When you feel so tightly wound, and you don' t think you can go on, just laugh! 
Even this dog can find a minute to share a smile. :)

Love and such - M

Just how it is...sometimes!

So...yes. I have something to say and something to get out and express to others that know and have a direct relationship with anxiety. I've had such a great handle on my anxiety and it hasn't snuck up in a while. The normal flutter and nervous feeling has been gone for a good time now and I've felt great. It's funny how it finds ways to creep back in......without you even realizing what is happening. I find ways and reasons as to why I feel a certain ways....."it's bc I'm tired", "it's probably bc I watched that one show and now I can't stop thinking/obsessing about that one thing", "it's bc of someone else, it's all their fault, fuck them", "maybe it's bc I ate this or that, didn't go to yoga AND I had a bad day at work"...........................really?

NO.

It's my freaking anxiety! It's back, trying to snake it's way in and pretend it's something else. What a tricky little ass hole, this thing called anxiety. It makes me doubt every little thing I do, think, say and feel. With something I've been 150% confident about I now have 5% confidence in. And to be very honest with you...it SUCKS! It hurts to not KNOW how you REALLY FEEL. It shakes my foundation, pulls the rug out from under me, kicks me while I'm down and hangs me upside down by my toes!

I've tried, consciously, to fix this and progress has been made ten fold. It's sinking feelings like this which kind of make me feel like I'm drowning. I question, question, question, question....and then question those questions! ANNOYING! Who is there to talk to if I am the support to so many others? Are these feelings and doubts I'm having legitimate and real or just my evil ego/anxiety trying to drowned me? Should I even talk about these shity feelings or should I wait until this wave of anxiety is over and reassess what is happening? Should I call my mom? No. Talk to my friend _____ ? No. Then WHO?!?! It will pass, right? This feeling and these thoughts will subside!

So this is where is sit. Jumbled in my own freaking head, torturing myself and spinning a long root of anxiety deep inside me. And yes, it makes me mad! It makes me feel defeated and eliminates everyone, including myself, from being trusted. GAH!!! Shity shity shity shity!

And as I'm writing this I'm thinking "it's probably bc your sick" and then the story comes along again as to why I feel the need to write this and unroll all of this.

So as I lay in bed and ponder.......this is where my faith comes into play. Some deep breathing and calm will help level me out. Right? Yes! I have to instantly think of all I have accomplished with my anxiety and how far I've come in defeating it. I caught it in its sneaky little tracks. It might take some time, but with some positive affirmations and constant reminders of how far I've come will help. I hope it does and I pray I can climb out of this once again.

I will be working hard in the next weeks and will check back to update my progress.

Must remember a purpose.
C

INSPIRED…revived…thankful!

SO…we’ve been a little MIA in the past week! BUT we are baaaaaaaack! I wanted to shoot a quick little post out to share just how inspired I’ve been lately by words of loved ones that have lifted me up higher than I thought I would ever be. It is truly confirmed that I am meant to help others. In return, I am helping myself!

Last weekend (October 27^th and 28^th) everyone was out celebrating Halloween. M and I were out as well (sadly not together). I was headed to a party with my fiancé where we would be meeting A LOT of new people. I usually freak out the day before, hours before and on the way there. I stress and stress and stress until I cry, get sick or throw my hands up and refuse to go. Without even realizing, NONE OF THAT HAPPENED! There was pure happiness, excitement and readiness flowing through me.

We headed to the party and had an AMAZING time. On our way home my fiancé grabs my hand and says, “I am so very proud of you!”. Of course I was confused, but turned to him and said “What? Why?” with a little bit of an uncomfortable laugh. He responded with “your anxiety was nonexistent tonight, it wasn’t hard for you to go or stay or talk to new people. I’m proud of you that you’ve improved SO much!”. That little sentence touched me so deeply and reaffirmed that all my hard work has been changing how my anxiety controls my life. SO AWESOME!

I really have worked my ass off to find things to help my anxiety naturally and this was the cherry on time of my hard-work-Sunday! Hehe. It all started when I switched my thinking and told myself I would fight as long as it took to get this stupid anxiety to go away.

That simple comment was enough, but the next affirmation BLEW ME AWAY and makes me feel as though I’ve come full circle.

I received a message last night with the sincerest words. As I was driving my phone beeps and tells me that an old friend (someone who I have not spoken to in five years) had written me. I little confused I, briefly skimmed the message…then PULLED OVER! This message was like nothing I had ever read before from someone I had helped get through a very difficult time.

As you see in my bio, I am a rape survivor/victim/? (not sure what to call it). The bio was probably one of the hardest things I have ever written and almost made me not follow through with this blog. It is something I DON’T TALK ABOUT and something that people don’t bring up because it doesn’t define me. Not a lot of people know and I like it that way, to be perfectly honest.

That being said, the message was related to this. The person who sent me these amazing words was a rape victim as well. I had been there for her from the morning after the incident to through the ups and downs of the emotions she suffered through in the weeks after. I confided in her that I was once in her shoes and that I was willing to help in any way that I could. Honestly, it was a challenge for me as well! Bringing up those raw emotions and feelings that go hand in hand with the experience if HARD, but I sucked it up to help my friend. I never realized I had made helped so much sharing my experience.

Back to the message: This old friend sent me a message about how much I helped her and how thankful she was that I had been there to share my story with her and to help her get through what she needed to get through at that time. AMAZING! She had been and still is the only person I have helped in this area and I am forever grateful for her kind words.

It all really has come FULL CIRCLE! I’ve finally opened up about it and then I receive an affirmation that it was the right thing to do. I cannot even describe the emotions that were shooting through me while reading these words.

So I am revived, recharged and inspired to help others with my story and with the things that have worked for me. Anxiety is a BITCH and I will smash it!

Ready to paint, create and grow!

C