Creative Anxiety: I am HERE...NOW...GRATEFUL!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

I am HERE...NOW...GRATEFUL!

SO, I am here…BACK and ready to check in!

Similar to M, I have been not feeling myself and this past weekend it all came boiling over.

Last week I had posted that I was struggling, confused and having “doubts”. This was MY WAY of reaching out, crying out and SCREAMING HELP! I was even afraid to admit what I was doubting. I was vague and bland with what I was feeling, which is exactly what had gotten me into such an awful position. I have NEVER been as low as I was this past Friday and really saw no way out…but I am here NOW! I made it and learned from my mistakes.

To be 100% honest with you, I was doubting my plans to get married. Who wants to marry a crazy person like me? How am I supposed to have children with ANXIETY? And these thoughts bounced around my head (normal tactic my anxiety uses to pull me back down), but since this is SUCH a new experience for me I made my first mistake and actually listened to these awful thoughts! I thought it was normal to think this way perhaps and had no clue that it was just my anxiety. So I listened and listened and listened…then started to believe. Then I made my NEXT BIG MISTAKE (THE BIGGEST MISTAKE)…I didn’t speak a word of this to ANYONE!

SILENCE…torture…MORE SILENCE!

How was I supposed to bring this up to my fiancé? Who else would I bring this up to? Who can I ask if this is normal? My mom? NOPE…she would judge me or tell the rest of the family and then THEY would judge me. My dad? NO…he would tell me NOT to get married and to move home. My best friend? NOPE…She will judge me and then questions standing up in the wedding if I decide to get married……(CRAZY)!

These thoughts continued and I believed and I convinced myself I was never deserving of anyone as amazing as my fiancé, I was never going to be able to handle it, something was bound to happen to ruin everything and that I was unlovable, unworthy and would never be ANYONE’S special someone. I believed that I was alone 100% and was destined to be the rest of my life. This went on for three weeks and I spiraled as if I were sliding around a funnel; just waiting to DROP, fall…GIVE UP!

I pushed people away, secluded myself and did not say a word. The other mistake I made was that I stopped all “maintenance” on my anxiety. I was convinced it was gone and I had a control on it. I felt 100% fine and wasn’t experiencing my normal triggers. Truthfully, I was sick and I got lazy! My excuse was “I’m sick” to just about everything. Yoga? Nope, I’m sick. Paint? No, sick. Healthy food? Nah, too sick to cook.

So…along the silent road I was on all hell exploded last Friday! Where was I? BED. I was lying there listening to these awful negative things running through my head torturing myself and sinking to the deepest spot I have ever been in. I had let these thoughts run further into attacking my life and the want and need to continue on.

I was done.

Yes, my head was there. I was completely emptied and vacant of all emotion, all comprehension of right and wrong, all will to move forward and I was DONE. And yes, I attempted because I believed. I attempted to leave my problems, life, loved ones, fiancé, family and everything else. I was angry and done.

In the midst of chaos I broke down, reached out to my fiancé and admitted what I was doing. An inch of mindfulness was thrown in my face…

[Once in my life, years ago, my therapist had given me an outlet of how to get the severe anxiousness and anger OUT. The advice: “throw eggs into the bath tub, break terracotta in a pillowcase in a safe environment…” (that’s all I really remembered).]

So, remembering that advice (the only thought fluttering through my head at the moment) I raced to the kitchen and took out plates and bowls. CRASH, BOOM, BAM, SHATTER, CRASH…!

LIFE SAVING!

So, after “getting those evil thoughts out” (and making a mess) it was almost as if I was woken up just enough to realize what I was doing WAS WRONG! I picked myself up with the little energy I had, went back to bed and passed out.

I woke up the next morning still empty. I hurt all over. I was embarrassed!

I told the people closest to me. I came clean. I let it pour out. Slowly my heart was back to beating again. I was reminded how much I was loved and how stupid I had been. Yes, STUPID! I came clean about the thoughts that had started the entire mess and NO ONE, not even my fiancé, thought that I was crazy. They loved me anyways, supported me anyways and promised to help me through any other questions and doubts that might flutter into my head in the future. How ungrateful am I? UGH!

It is funny because they all knew that it was my anxiety, not ME! ME would not ever think of doing such a thing. NEVER!

UGH!

It is taking A LOT to get this posted and OUT…it brings me to tears to think of what I would have lost. BUT I cannot think of the “what if” and stay in the past because it doesn’t exist any longer. I AM HERE NOW and I need to keep that in front of me and centered.

SO, yes…the person who is trying to take on the world of anxiety was defeated, but I have prevailed. I am still getting back on my feet (with some help of course) one day at a time.

The Happy Light is on every morning, which is my first step. I am cooking again, which is my anxiety-free time and keeps me healthy (my second step). This is where I am now. I have support and it is present everyday. I am UNBELIEVABLY GRATEFUL for my loved ones and for my support and for my LIFE!

I am back on this destination to end anxiety so please have patience with me as I get back on the right path. I promise I will help in due time!

DO NOT make my mistakes. Learn from my mistakes and PLEASE reach out if you EVER have anxiety taking control of you. If you have ANY negative thought please share with SOMEONE, reach out, TELL ME EVEN, but do NOT go at it alone. I’ve told my story in hopes to reach someone, help someone or just educate.

Anxiety is only as powerful as we allow it to be!

…TRUST ME because I know! I have learned, I have grown and I will recover.

Love. Family. Fiancé. Friends. BE GRATEFUL. Always.

2 comments:

UnknownDecember 4, 2012 at 9:54 AM
Thank you for posting this! It takes a lot of courage to talk openly about these things.

I too have made the mistake of keeping silent for too long. It did cost me my marriage. I am glad that you were able to come around to letting it all out (even if there was a mess left in your wake).

I hope you continue your positive progress!
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UnknownOctober 21, 2013 at 4:31 PM
Aaron - Thank you for your kind words! I hope that this message leaves you in good health and good spirits! We would love for you to do a guest post on our blog, as we are truly trying to create a community of love and kindness for others to come to and surrender their thoughts. How would you feel about that?
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The girls who started it all...and their stories.

Well hello there! My name is Megan and here’s my little tale:

It’s safe to say that the person I am today is a far different one than I was many years ago. As many of you know, dealing with anxiety seems like an uphill battle some days, and I’ve felt like for most of my life I have been struggling to get to the top of that hill to safety. My anxiety started very young and mainly revolved around the constant fear of something medical going wrong with me. I was definitely a hypochondriac, and gave myself unnecessary amounts of anxiety over little to nothing at times. After passing out a few times due to seeing my own blood, both fainting and blood became huge triggers for me. This led me to avoid many situations, namely doctors’ offices, etc. My anxious symptoms were like that of fainting or having a heart attack and at any given time, I felt like my world was crashing and I was about to die.

…which brings me to my next chapter with the “beast”. By the way, I call anxiety the “beast” because it truly takes on its own entity at times. Anyhow, my next chapter is one of quite the lengthy time frame. It was all exacerbated when one day a tragedy hit close to home. My dad had got into a motorcycle accident and died instantly. This, as for anyone, sent my world spinning at the speed of light. It was then that my fear of death and dying amplified. I was constantly feeling sick, or like an 80 pound elephant was sitting on my chest. I didn’t know what I was feeling, nor did I really talk to anybody about it, which made it worse. Junior high, high school, and even my first few years at the junior college were plagued by constant worry; self esteem issues, horrible panic attacks, and so on. I somehow managed to make it through as normal as possible but I was hurting on the inside and most definitely not living a full life.

Once I went away to college my anxiety had stabilized. It was by no means gone, but for some reason it had subsided to a point of decent comfort. Those few years were as relaxed as they could be, and life seemed to be pretty good. It wasn’t until about a year ago that the “beast” began to really rear its ugly head again. This time it was back tenfold, however, and I was determined to find a happy place…one of comfort and happiness. And that my friends is where I’m at today, trying to find a true life of bliss. This last year has been a hard one, but through a lot of self discovery and branching out into new avenues, I am slowly piecing together what works best for me. So far I have found inner strength through trying new things such as yoga, supplements, and creative outlets such as photography, dance, and art. My hopes in build a community through Creative Anxiety is that I can reach out to others who strive to better themselves and others who deal with this unfortunate beast.

Hi there, I’m Chrissy!

My journey with anxiety has been a long one (or so it feels), dating back to when I was in high school. I had been struggling for a while in social settings and changes, but had chopped it up to being an average teenager. It was my first anxiety attack that painted a clearer picture as to what I had been dealing with. And so began the journey…

My first attack was something I will never forget and has created a foundation for where I stand today. My first attack also explains a lot of my history and was a breakthrough for me in getting the necessary help I needed at the time. It was triggered by a past traumatic experience. When I was fourteen I had been raped. The setting in which it took place was visually recreated which induced my first and most horrific panic/anxiety attack. This was a breakthrough in a lot of ways for me. I had not told anyone, spoken about it or personally revisited the memory for four years until that day. When my family was informed I gained the support I needed to start my battle against ANXIETY!

After learning what anxiety was, how it works and being fed drug after drug by doctor after doctor I was really getting nowhere. I was feeling zombie-esque on the medicine, having bad withdrawals and feeling sedated for the majority of the time. This is when I decided to take a different path.

See…my brain automatically links my anxiety now to being raped and the feelings that were felt in that situation. It is such a feeling of disgust and helplessness that motivate me to free myself. I have problems in social situations and trusting others with anything and everything. I have a fear of being attacked, which feeds my anxiety daily in everyday situations and the constant negative self-talk is something I have to keep battling.

I have really two choices (the way I see it)…I can either lay down and feel sorry for what was and what now is or I can fight like hell to live the BEST life I can possibly live. I’ve chosen to fight! I believe there is a fix for this thing we all call ANXIETY and I am determined to find it. Through trial and error, trial and success and a lot of support I believe it is something that is attainable. Holistic, drug free, all natural healthy ways to heal is what I’m all about. So let this new journey begin in sharing what I’ve learned with other who might have walked in my shoes or who choose to walk right alongside me. Let’s fight on!