Creative Anxiety: Just how it is...sometimes!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Just how it is...sometimes!

So...yes. I have something to say and something to get out and express to others that know and have a direct relationship with anxiety. I've had such a great handle on my anxiety and it hasn't snuck up in a while. The normal flutter and nervous feeling has been gone for a good time now and I've felt great. It's funny how it finds ways to creep back in......without you even realizing what is happening. I find ways and reasons as to why I feel a certain ways....."it's bc I'm tired", "it's probably bc I watched that one show and now I can't stop thinking/obsessing about that one thing", "it's bc of someone else, it's all their fault, fuck them", "maybe it's bc I ate this or that, didn't go to yoga AND I had a bad day at work"...........................really?

NO.

It's my freaking anxiety! It's back, trying to snake it's way in and pretend it's something else. What a tricky little ass hole, this thing called anxiety. It makes me doubt every little thing I do, think, say and feel. With something I've been 150% confident about I now have 5% confidence in. And to be very honest with you...it SUCKS! It hurts to not KNOW how you REALLY FEEL. It shakes my foundation, pulls the rug out from under me, kicks me while I'm down and hangs me upside down by my toes!

I've tried, consciously, to fix this and progress has been made ten fold. It's sinking feelings like this which kind of make me feel like I'm drowning. I question, question, question, question....and then question those questions! ANNOYING! Who is there to talk to if I am the support to so many others? Are these feelings and doubts I'm having legitimate and real or just my evil ego/anxiety trying to drowned me? Should I even talk about these shity feelings or should I wait until this wave of anxiety is over and reassess what is happening? Should I call my mom? No. Talk to my friend _____ ? No. Then WHO?!?! It will pass, right? This feeling and these thoughts will subside!

So this is where is sit. Jumbled in my own freaking head, torturing myself and spinning a long root of anxiety deep inside me. And yes, it makes me mad! It makes me feel defeated and eliminates everyone, including myself, from being trusted. GAH!!! Shity shity shity shity!

And as I'm writing this I'm thinking "it's probably bc your sick" and then the story comes along again as to why I feel the need to write this and unroll all of this.

So as I lay in bed and ponder.......this is where my faith comes into play. Some deep breathing and calm will help level me out. Right? Yes! I have to instantly think of all I have accomplished with my anxiety and how far I've come in defeating it. I caught it in its sneaky little tracks. It might take some time, but with some positive affirmations and constant reminders of how far I've come will help. I hope it does and I pray I can climb out of this once again.

I will be working hard in the next weeks and will check back to update my progress.

Must remember a purpose.
C

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The girls who started it all...and their stories.

Well hello there! My name is Megan and here’s my little tale:

It’s safe to say that the person I am today is a far different one than I was many years ago. As many of you know, dealing with anxiety seems like an uphill battle some days, and I’ve felt like for most of my life I have been struggling to get to the top of that hill to safety. My anxiety started very young and mainly revolved around the constant fear of something medical going wrong with me. I was definitely a hypochondriac, and gave myself unnecessary amounts of anxiety over little to nothing at times. After passing out a few times due to seeing my own blood, both fainting and blood became huge triggers for me. This led me to avoid many situations, namely doctors’ offices, etc. My anxious symptoms were like that of fainting or having a heart attack and at any given time, I felt like my world was crashing and I was about to die.

…which brings me to my next chapter with the “beast”. By the way, I call anxiety the “beast” because it truly takes on its own entity at times. Anyhow, my next chapter is one of quite the lengthy time frame. It was all exacerbated when one day a tragedy hit close to home. My dad had got into a motorcycle accident and died instantly. This, as for anyone, sent my world spinning at the speed of light. It was then that my fear of death and dying amplified. I was constantly feeling sick, or like an 80 pound elephant was sitting on my chest. I didn’t know what I was feeling, nor did I really talk to anybody about it, which made it worse. Junior high, high school, and even my first few years at the junior college were plagued by constant worry; self esteem issues, horrible panic attacks, and so on. I somehow managed to make it through as normal as possible but I was hurting on the inside and most definitely not living a full life.

Once I went away to college my anxiety had stabilized. It was by no means gone, but for some reason it had subsided to a point of decent comfort. Those few years were as relaxed as they could be, and life seemed to be pretty good. It wasn’t until about a year ago that the “beast” began to really rear its ugly head again. This time it was back tenfold, however, and I was determined to find a happy place…one of comfort and happiness. And that my friends is where I’m at today, trying to find a true life of bliss. This last year has been a hard one, but through a lot of self discovery and branching out into new avenues, I am slowly piecing together what works best for me. So far I have found inner strength through trying new things such as yoga, supplements, and creative outlets such as photography, dance, and art. My hopes in build a community through Creative Anxiety is that I can reach out to others who strive to better themselves and others who deal with this unfortunate beast.

Hi there, I’m Chrissy!

My journey with anxiety has been a long one (or so it feels), dating back to when I was in high school. I had been struggling for a while in social settings and changes, but had chopped it up to being an average teenager. It was my first anxiety attack that painted a clearer picture as to what I had been dealing with. And so began the journey…

My first attack was something I will never forget and has created a foundation for where I stand today. My first attack also explains a lot of my history and was a breakthrough for me in getting the necessary help I needed at the time. It was triggered by a past traumatic experience. When I was fourteen I had been raped. The setting in which it took place was visually recreated which induced my first and most horrific panic/anxiety attack. This was a breakthrough in a lot of ways for me. I had not told anyone, spoken about it or personally revisited the memory for four years until that day. When my family was informed I gained the support I needed to start my battle against ANXIETY!

After learning what anxiety was, how it works and being fed drug after drug by doctor after doctor I was really getting nowhere. I was feeling zombie-esque on the medicine, having bad withdrawals and feeling sedated for the majority of the time. This is when I decided to take a different path.

See…my brain automatically links my anxiety now to being raped and the feelings that were felt in that situation. It is such a feeling of disgust and helplessness that motivate me to free myself. I have problems in social situations and trusting others with anything and everything. I have a fear of being attacked, which feeds my anxiety daily in everyday situations and the constant negative self-talk is something I have to keep battling.

I have really two choices (the way I see it)…I can either lay down and feel sorry for what was and what now is or I can fight like hell to live the BEST life I can possibly live. I’ve chosen to fight! I believe there is a fix for this thing we all call ANXIETY and I am determined to find it. Through trial and error, trial and success and a lot of support I believe it is something that is attainable. Holistic, drug free, all natural healthy ways to heal is what I’m all about. So let this new journey begin in sharing what I’ve learned with other who might have walked in my shoes or who choose to walk right alongside me. Let’s fight on!