Creative Anxiety: Scared, but hopeful!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Scared, but hopeful!

As I sit here typing, my brain is in a whirlwind of its own demise. I can barely think straight, but yet I want to say so much. I've been grappling with a lot of things in life lately. Many are situational and have lent to the bad place that I am in. Others are internal struggles that continue to keep me in this horrific place. All that being said, I have been in denial about a huge chunk of what is going on with me....and that is DEPRESSION!

I am so open, and free about the in's and out's of my anxiety on a regular basis to many people in my life. I don't go around shouting it to the rooftops but I certainly can confide about it when needed. That being said I have been beraged with a plethora of things in life that have taken my level of anxiety and shot it through the roof. I can NOT for a second keep my mind in a good place. I am ALWAYS in a tangle of bad thoughts and wonders of how I am going to get to a better spot financially, or feel better with some medical things going on, etc, etc, etc,etc...yeahhh that much.

SO long story short month after month of changes (I don't do good with it AT ALL), lowered self esteem, negative people and situations on a daily basis, and my scary, scary mind to name a few....here I stand.

I stand here ready to announce that I am more than likely, very much so, DEPRESSED! I have not been clinically diagnosed, but I have all of the warning signs. I have thought it too myself a few times over the past few months, but figured it would pass. It would dissipate as time went on. Yeahhh. No!

I have dug myself such a deep hole in my head that I can barely see the light from the top. I have so many great things going on in my life, albeit, stressful trying to balance them, and God forbid ENJOY them! How does one deal with all of this happy, sad, angry, mad stuff anyways??!

I try so hard to get back on top and with every attempt I just add to the mess. I simply don't know how to figure it out the proper way. When you look at a list of the symptoms for depression and just short of number 12 being "Your name is Megan, you're 27, and you live in the hell of your own brain," I checked ALL of them off! Just as I suspected. I'm not one for internet diagnosing, but its safe to say that doctor .com is probably on top of her game today.

So what do you think I'm feeling right now? You're right......NOTHING!

I have no stinkin' clue what I'm thinking. I'm numb (as I have been for a good percentage of time lately), I'm scared, and by golly, I'm exhausted of thinking what I might have to do to get back to the real me. I'm already exhausted, yet can't sleep for shit (you got it - insomnia) as it is....how am I suppose to fight this extra battle?

Well, as I see it, that's where YOU come in. I have now just told anyone and everyone who comes across this page. Then you know what? As soon as my boyfriend comes back upstairs, I'm going to sit him down right next to me, turn my computer towards him, and point. He will then read this and look at my scribble in my journal and realize that this is a real problem. I have eluded to the fact that I was grappling with SOME of this before, but not to the caliber that I'm pretty sure he's unaware it is.

Then and only then, will I have the guts to start getting the help I need. I know in my last post I had mentioned making some lifestyle changes. And you can bet your bottom dollar I didn't forget about that....well with the way my short term memory has been lately (another lovely symptom of this beast) I very well could of....but I didn't!

I will still keep the changes short, since I now finally came to my senses and got out of the denial stage and rambled for an hour about my "dark hole." But as of now I PLEDGE first and foremost to myself, but then to my family, friends, and YOU all who deserve a much happier, healither, face the facts kind of girl! :)

I bought a bag of oranges today and sat them on my desk, this is my first attempt, and by attempt I mean success at changing my diet. This way I will make sure I have an orange every morning since I have had NOTHING but junk, upon junk, upon junk the last 4 months, and my body can't take it ANYMORE! Small steps to a greater me.

Next, by this weekend I will be joining a very cheap gym. Where I can sweat it out, and get in what my body needs....good ole' fashioned exercise. Because there is a STRONG link to both anxiety and depression and exercise. I've known this, and I used to exercise a lot, but that doesn't mean I've listened or done it it the past 6 months! I've made sorry attempts at doing a day here and there...well yeah that doesn't count. I will now make it a part of my weekly exsistence and it will be persistent - at least 3 times a week!

Those are my first two small steps to really start making some changes. I will also be revamping and sleep training myself, along with making some schedule changes. There will be more, many more changes to come as well (many holistic and natural)...these are just a few of the most simple ways that I am starting with that won't overwhelm me any more than I am!

SO please remember that this is REAL, this is ME, and this is ME reaching out to you not only to help myself. But to help YOU! Please, please, please feel free reach out to me and share your stories and we can do this together. The reason we started this blog was not to be the answer to ALL but to be the backbone to this community that we want to build.

Here's to a happier, healither me. A comforted and helped you. And a new and enlightened us...

......let the journey begin!!

Peace, Love, and Health - M

1 comment:

UnknownNovember 29, 2012 at 5:54 AM
I love your post M. It is crazy that we are feeling the same way as of lately. Seasonaly inspired? Not sure, but thank you for sharing your story. As you know I'm here for you through anything and everything the first thing that came to mind is that you listed TOO MUCH on your list of "how to feel better"! You have the tendency to pack pounds upon pounds of extra work, favors for others and good deeds on your shoulders. With how you are feeling now...slow down! Start with one goal (ex: diet) and then once you have that under control add something else. Take a step back from you workload and have "me time"! One day and one thing at a time. :) I don't want you to create another mountain you have to overcome! You also know how I swear by my HappyLight so maybe add that to you Xmas list! ;) You know I'm here to help, cheer you on and support you...ok? Smile lovely lady, the world loves your smile! <3 C
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The girls who started it all...and their stories.

Well hello there! My name is Megan and here’s my little tale:

It’s safe to say that the person I am today is a far different one than I was many years ago. As many of you know, dealing with anxiety seems like an uphill battle some days, and I’ve felt like for most of my life I have been struggling to get to the top of that hill to safety. My anxiety started very young and mainly revolved around the constant fear of something medical going wrong with me. I was definitely a hypochondriac, and gave myself unnecessary amounts of anxiety over little to nothing at times. After passing out a few times due to seeing my own blood, both fainting and blood became huge triggers for me. This led me to avoid many situations, namely doctors’ offices, etc. My anxious symptoms were like that of fainting or having a heart attack and at any given time, I felt like my world was crashing and I was about to die.

…which brings me to my next chapter with the “beast”. By the way, I call anxiety the “beast” because it truly takes on its own entity at times. Anyhow, my next chapter is one of quite the lengthy time frame. It was all exacerbated when one day a tragedy hit close to home. My dad had got into a motorcycle accident and died instantly. This, as for anyone, sent my world spinning at the speed of light. It was then that my fear of death and dying amplified. I was constantly feeling sick, or like an 80 pound elephant was sitting on my chest. I didn’t know what I was feeling, nor did I really talk to anybody about it, which made it worse. Junior high, high school, and even my first few years at the junior college were plagued by constant worry; self esteem issues, horrible panic attacks, and so on. I somehow managed to make it through as normal as possible but I was hurting on the inside and most definitely not living a full life.

Once I went away to college my anxiety had stabilized. It was by no means gone, but for some reason it had subsided to a point of decent comfort. Those few years were as relaxed as they could be, and life seemed to be pretty good. It wasn’t until about a year ago that the “beast” began to really rear its ugly head again. This time it was back tenfold, however, and I was determined to find a happy place…one of comfort and happiness. And that my friends is where I’m at today, trying to find a true life of bliss. This last year has been a hard one, but through a lot of self discovery and branching out into new avenues, I am slowly piecing together what works best for me. So far I have found inner strength through trying new things such as yoga, supplements, and creative outlets such as photography, dance, and art. My hopes in build a community through Creative Anxiety is that I can reach out to others who strive to better themselves and others who deal with this unfortunate beast.

Hi there, I’m Chrissy!

My journey with anxiety has been a long one (or so it feels), dating back to when I was in high school. I had been struggling for a while in social settings and changes, but had chopped it up to being an average teenager. It was my first anxiety attack that painted a clearer picture as to what I had been dealing with. And so began the journey…

My first attack was something I will never forget and has created a foundation for where I stand today. My first attack also explains a lot of my history and was a breakthrough for me in getting the necessary help I needed at the time. It was triggered by a past traumatic experience. When I was fourteen I had been raped. The setting in which it took place was visually recreated which induced my first and most horrific panic/anxiety attack. This was a breakthrough in a lot of ways for me. I had not told anyone, spoken about it or personally revisited the memory for four years until that day. When my family was informed I gained the support I needed to start my battle against ANXIETY!

After learning what anxiety was, how it works and being fed drug after drug by doctor after doctor I was really getting nowhere. I was feeling zombie-esque on the medicine, having bad withdrawals and feeling sedated for the majority of the time. This is when I decided to take a different path.

See…my brain automatically links my anxiety now to being raped and the feelings that were felt in that situation. It is such a feeling of disgust and helplessness that motivate me to free myself. I have problems in social situations and trusting others with anything and everything. I have a fear of being attacked, which feeds my anxiety daily in everyday situations and the constant negative self-talk is something I have to keep battling.

I have really two choices (the way I see it)…I can either lay down and feel sorry for what was and what now is or I can fight like hell to live the BEST life I can possibly live. I’ve chosen to fight! I believe there is a fix for this thing we all call ANXIETY and I am determined to find it. Through trial and error, trial and success and a lot of support I believe it is something that is attainable. Holistic, drug free, all natural healthy ways to heal is what I’m all about. So let this new journey begin in sharing what I’ve learned with other who might have walked in my shoes or who choose to walk right alongside me. Let’s fight on!