Creative Anxiety: Dive Right In

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Dive Right In

So I'm about to do what we're calling DIVE RIGHT IN and get this darn thing started. Now that everyone has a bit of an idea of what C and I are all about, we really wanted to have a jumping off point for this whole community. You see, I find that the more open I am about my feelings, thoughts, and fears - the more I feel comfortable in my own skin. Let's face it, anxiety does everything in its power to make you feel ANYTHING but comfortable in your own skin, shoes, hair, and even eyeballs...there are days when I question if I even really exist because I feel so transparent and lifeless. It's truly scary to think about so many of us feeling so lost and empty so many of our days. That's why we're here though, right? That's the exact reason you sat at your computer and searched for some care, some relief, some sanity - to put an end to all of these mere shells of people we may or may not have become. It's time we really get a chance to take on the lives that we want to have. I want to start today, right now...not in 10 minutes, not in a few days...RIGHT NOW!

As a way of getting everyone prepped and raring to go we wanted to do a little practice called DIVE RIGHT IN. Basically its going to get everyone, including myself and C warmed up and really feeling comfortable with sharing. I want to be able to show a little more about my personal story and road to this point and get to know where others are coming from as well. C and I plan on bringing a ton of personal experiences, research, and other helpful resources to the table, however one HUGE component of our blog that we want to really be unique is the interactive "family" we want to bring together. I personally, in a nut shell, want to make this place your home.

Speaking of this being a home and place of comfort, when C and I first started coming together for the idea of Creative Anxiety, a certain song had just come out. And although it may be a bit over played for some people, it really hit home (no pun intended) with me, and made me even more eager to begin this wonderful journey. The first verse of the song "Home" by: Phillip Phillips states -

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home.

That's the exact feeling I want to evoke to all of those who encounter Creative Anxiety. Nobody is alone, and although we may feel like we are in unfamiliar territory, we certainly have one another to hold on to until we find ourselves again. SO join me, and DIVE RIGHT IN so we can build this beautiful, beautiful place.

I want to (and encourage others to as well) talk about some of the stuff that I avoid because of my battle with anxiety. So many times people do things out of the ordinary or avoid situations because they are afraid of having higher levels of anxiety, panic attacks, or other complications that come from dealing with these emotions and "symptoms." Over the years I have had many different avoidance's and many times feel ashamed because in some cases it not only hurts me, but others. The main things I truly avoided in the beginning at all cost were doctor offices, hospitals and anywhere were there were large numbers of people. These things are easily correlated with my personal anxiety as I have huge fears of needles, blood, and am a huge hypochondriac. Simple enough right? Yea....right! Even these avoidance's can cause a huge amount of stress in ones life. When your grandpa is in the hospital and your whole family expects you to go and you either avoid it at altogether or go at the very last moment for as short a visit as possible, you better believe feelings are going to be hurt. Or how about when you put off important check ups to keep yourself from dealing with the overwhelming feeling of doom that comes over you the minute you smell the scent of a doctors office. These things all start to add up...

...Just like my avoidance's. Not only did these particular scenarios begin to shape my life, other everyday interactions became difficult as well. I had an extremely hard time in high school just getting through the day. I would feel sick to my stomach from the minute I woke up, to the time I left the parking lot. This obviously made for a not so peachy high school career. Did I survive? Sure. But was it fun, no! When you feel like your going to have a heart attack at any given moment, no person on earth is going to enjoy even their favorite thing in the world. And now all of these little demons follow me to this day. I have a hard time dealing with unknown situations, or places with a lot of people in them. I can go from zero to sixty just thinking about going to the mall, a weekend workshop, or even a new friends house. Once anxiety follows you into more and more places, the harder it is to hide from it. If you have one single experience where you were uncomfortable or heaven forbid had a panic attack....forget about it - write it off of your list of places you ever want to go again. I have come a long way of overcoming some of these situations and go about my life in a much more able bodied way, but in no means have I conquered all of them - nor can I say I don't have my hiccups. This is why we are here though, to relate, to debate, and to relearn how to embrace life with fresh eyes and new attitudes. I want to be able to go anywhere and everywhere and soak up all that I can from my experiences instead of worrying my way through them, sometimes not even remembering what I did, said, heard, or felt because I was too damn busy being in my own head.

So my question to you now is, what are your fears and avoidance's? What would YOU love to overcome and change about your way of life and thinking?

There is SO much more to my back story and SO many positive changes and revelations coming in the near future, and naturally we will unveil more and more...but for now I think you can get a decent grasp on where I'm coming from and where I hope to be.

So come on everyone. Bare it all! I promise, it will be worth it!

☮-M

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The girls who started it all...and their stories.

Well hello there! My name is Megan and here’s my little tale:

It’s safe to say that the person I am today is a far different one than I was many years ago. As many of you know, dealing with anxiety seems like an uphill battle some days, and I’ve felt like for most of my life I have been struggling to get to the top of that hill to safety. My anxiety started very young and mainly revolved around the constant fear of something medical going wrong with me. I was definitely a hypochondriac, and gave myself unnecessary amounts of anxiety over little to nothing at times. After passing out a few times due to seeing my own blood, both fainting and blood became huge triggers for me. This led me to avoid many situations, namely doctors’ offices, etc. My anxious symptoms were like that of fainting or having a heart attack and at any given time, I felt like my world was crashing and I was about to die.

…which brings me to my next chapter with the “beast”. By the way, I call anxiety the “beast” because it truly takes on its own entity at times. Anyhow, my next chapter is one of quite the lengthy time frame. It was all exacerbated when one day a tragedy hit close to home. My dad had got into a motorcycle accident and died instantly. This, as for anyone, sent my world spinning at the speed of light. It was then that my fear of death and dying amplified. I was constantly feeling sick, or like an 80 pound elephant was sitting on my chest. I didn’t know what I was feeling, nor did I really talk to anybody about it, which made it worse. Junior high, high school, and even my first few years at the junior college were plagued by constant worry; self esteem issues, horrible panic attacks, and so on. I somehow managed to make it through as normal as possible but I was hurting on the inside and most definitely not living a full life.

Once I went away to college my anxiety had stabilized. It was by no means gone, but for some reason it had subsided to a point of decent comfort. Those few years were as relaxed as they could be, and life seemed to be pretty good. It wasn’t until about a year ago that the “beast” began to really rear its ugly head again. This time it was back tenfold, however, and I was determined to find a happy place…one of comfort and happiness. And that my friends is where I’m at today, trying to find a true life of bliss. This last year has been a hard one, but through a lot of self discovery and branching out into new avenues, I am slowly piecing together what works best for me. So far I have found inner strength through trying new things such as yoga, supplements, and creative outlets such as photography, dance, and art. My hopes in build a community through Creative Anxiety is that I can reach out to others who strive to better themselves and others who deal with this unfortunate beast.

Hi there, I’m Chrissy!

My journey with anxiety has been a long one (or so it feels), dating back to when I was in high school. I had been struggling for a while in social settings and changes, but had chopped it up to being an average teenager. It was my first anxiety attack that painted a clearer picture as to what I had been dealing with. And so began the journey…

My first attack was something I will never forget and has created a foundation for where I stand today. My first attack also explains a lot of my history and was a breakthrough for me in getting the necessary help I needed at the time. It was triggered by a past traumatic experience. When I was fourteen I had been raped. The setting in which it took place was visually recreated which induced my first and most horrific panic/anxiety attack. This was a breakthrough in a lot of ways for me. I had not told anyone, spoken about it or personally revisited the memory for four years until that day. When my family was informed I gained the support I needed to start my battle against ANXIETY!

After learning what anxiety was, how it works and being fed drug after drug by doctor after doctor I was really getting nowhere. I was feeling zombie-esque on the medicine, having bad withdrawals and feeling sedated for the majority of the time. This is when I decided to take a different path.

See…my brain automatically links my anxiety now to being raped and the feelings that were felt in that situation. It is such a feeling of disgust and helplessness that motivate me to free myself. I have problems in social situations and trusting others with anything and everything. I have a fear of being attacked, which feeds my anxiety daily in everyday situations and the constant negative self-talk is something I have to keep battling.

I have really two choices (the way I see it)…I can either lay down and feel sorry for what was and what now is or I can fight like hell to live the BEST life I can possibly live. I’ve chosen to fight! I believe there is a fix for this thing we all call ANXIETY and I am determined to find it. Through trial and error, trial and success and a lot of support I believe it is something that is attainable. Holistic, drug free, all natural healthy ways to heal is what I’m all about. So let this new journey begin in sharing what I’ve learned with other who might have walked in my shoes or who choose to walk right alongside me. Let’s fight on!