Thank you M for your awesome post yesterday...now here we go...
One thing I do have to say is that I DO NOT LIKE SHARING
PERSONAL INFORMATION! So, this blog in itself is a HUGE challenge for me, but a
good challenge at that. I personally find that the more I research, the more I
learn, the more I experience and the more I help others helps my anxiety
GREATLY. I have vowed to share it ALL for this blog and for the purpose of
helping someone learn a bit more about themselves and about ANXIETY!
My anxiety started when I was 17 and sort of BLEW UP in my
face. I imagine it being something like a seed inside me that had been fed with
negativity for years and then blossomed into this awful thing we’ve all name
“anxiety”. This was about 12 years ago and ever since I have been strapped into
this crazy roller coaster…trying everything imaginable to get the HELL OFF! As
it would be easier for me to depend on drugs and alcohol to remedy the feelings
that fester deep in my brain and my belly, I’ve decided to take the
“bit-more-difficult” rout and tackle this naturally and holistically.
I know what you might be thinking at this point in this
post…your anxiety is telling you “holy shit…yeah right…good luck…whatever
lady”. Tell that anxious ego of yours to pipe down a second because this is
real as real gets and I am here to HELP! Don’t you want to accomplish a happier
anxiety-free life? I DO! This is why I have worked my ass off experimenting,
reading, researching, learning and giving things a chance to help! Nothing is
going to help you unless you let that guard down and are open to a little
change…a little upset…a little let down…and a little TRIUMPH!
The way anxiety has affected me has been primarily SOCIAL.
I’ve avoided, excused, created stories and have pretty much tried to burry
myself in my bed…in my room…under the covers and away from everyone I love and
who loves me. It is a daily challenge for me to GET UP and get to work where my
brain tells me “HEY…everyone hates you here”. In fact, I have convinced myself
that most the population hates me, I annoy most or that I am unworthy of love
and everything happy and wonderful. When I step back and assess how my brain
has abused me I get pissed. How did it get to this, how did this happen and WHY
is my brain such a cruel creature??? I still don’t know why I was given this
gift/blessing/cruel joke/curse. It is a mystery that will never really make
sense to me, but I am passionate about finding a solution and a muzzle for the
thoughts that swirl in my head daily.
My anxiety likes to keep me secluded. I have lost numerous
friends over thoughts that they hated me, were against me or were going to hurt
me. When I let my anxiety have free reign of my mind and my body it gets to the
point where I get paranoid. I have thoughts of people following me, people
waiting for me in my home or people devising a plan to hurt me. I’ve gone as
far as calling my fiancé from a Dunkin Donuts afraid that the man sitting and
reading his newspaper was following me. HOW CRAZY?! Right? At the time these
things are happening it makes sense and I am in such a low and dark place that
it is the only thing that makes sense to my brain.
Another part of my anxiety is linked to a little OCD. When I
feel out of control or my anxiety has me swirling I grasp onto little rituals,
all centered around germs (YUCK). It is easier to keep this under wraps and to
hide from people and I have JUST started telling people about it and talking
about it as if it’s normal. The more I get it OUT the easier it is for me to
recognize and help myself. When I am not feeling balanced or grounded I need to
keep from touching others who might be carrying germs, washing hands too much
and staying away from those people who I judge as “unclean”. I am not proud of
that fact that I judge others in such a way and when my anxiety is subdued I am
open and accepting of everyone (trust me…I’m NICE)! This is my anxiety’s way of
still keeping me at a distance from EVERYONE. To be perfectly honest EVERYONE
is dirty to me when my anxiety needs something to grasp onto. This keeps me out
of large groups, away from busy stores and making excuses as to why I can’t
attend a friend’s party at that time.
I grew up with a father in law enforcement who has seen,
first hand, the bad and the ugly. I was his only daughter and in an effort to
keep me safe and protected he would teach me how to keep myself safe. I learned
to close the blinds a certain way so someone couldn’t watch me, I learned to
look over my shoulder without really turning my head, I learned how to yell for
help, I learned how to carry my keys, I learned what people might try to do,
where they would enter the house and how. By NO MEANS do I blame my father for
starting this, but in his efforts to keep me SAFE I turned it around in my
brain as all these people were coming after me. Why, you ask? WHO KNOWS! I
pride myself on knowing what to do in different situations, but I OBSESS about
these thoughts. I cannot walk down a parking lot at night without practicing
everything I’ve learned.
…SO that is pretty much the gist of my anxiety and how it
affects me. I am SO very grateful for my parents, my fiancé and my brother for
all their continued support along the way. Without them I really don’t know
where I would be (probably still in bed). Don’t get me wrong, I am still
OPENING up to them so it is a learning process for everyone, but to be able to
speak to them about my struggles creates a great support system for me. I
believe STRONGLY that the process to feeling better is linked directly to
building the support around you…telling everyone you truly love that you are
struggling with ANXIETY!
…Your anxiety is popping up again, right? Almost done… :)
I don’t believe this is a permanent feeling that I am “stuck
with” and therein lies how I combat it head on. I try to stay as organic,
holistic and all natural as I can and am continually experimenting with
supplements and natural products to try and lessen my anxiety. I am also a huge
advocate of YOGA. Yoga has done such AMAZING things for me…that I became a
certified yoga instructor! Why not spread the love and help others with
something that has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. I have also become a trained LIFE
COACH to spread a little MORE LOVE and get other’s lives on the path they have
always wanted them. Creativity is also my outlet and canvas and paint are my
medium. To sit with some canvas and paint is, for me, sitting anxiety free.
It helps me to help YOU! This is how M and I came together…I
was there for her to HELP with her anxiety. That relationship has turned around
and we equally help each other now…and it is pretty AWESOME! My life is not
perfect and don’t claim to have the cure for anxiety, but I have come a VERY
LONG WAY!
So don’t be afraid to OPEN yourself, tell us your story, ask
questions or just talk! We are here to take advice and give it as well.
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